dying is the worst
thing that could happen.
Then they stay dead.
A couple nights ago, my friend Jonathan died in his sleep. We don't yet know exactly why, and it's possible we may never know. He was in his early thirties, though I'm somewhat embarrassed to say that I don't remember exactly how old he was. His age never seemed to matter because he was always so young at heart in the way he lived life and treated his friends. He loved hard, played harder. He despaired sometimes, as all men do, but lived aggressively in a manner consistent with his atheist beliefs. I find myself deeply hoping he was wrong about the universe, because I miss him already and I would like to hope there will be some opportunity for reunion. I guess we'll see eventually. I miss his laughter and his witty comebacks and his scathingly accurate insights into those around him. Jonathan played in my Exalted chronicle for a few years as the first Night Caste. His character's daughter is still a major NPC years later, which I know sounds so trivial except that I think it would mean something to him to know that he is still part of an ongoing story that he invested time and energy into creating with us. Jonathan came to parties I threw and gave me useful relationship advice. He shared a deep and abiding love for superheroes and all things geeky, and I will always remember him being the only guy I've known who managed to look outright fabulous in a Green Lantern T-shirt.
Jonathan is also the first real friend of mine to die. I've lost distant family members and I've lost peers and classmates and stuff, but no one I had built a personal relationship with. I've spent the past couple days crying randomly and wondering how long it will take before that stops. I know it gets better. Other people who have gone through this assure me it gets better with time.
So here's to you, Jonathan, wherever you are and for for all you were: a good man and my friend. I wish I'd gotten to know you better than I did, and I'm grateful to have known you as well as I did. I miss you so much.